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Dva krát (Denis Mačor)13.10.2009
 

5
 počet hodnotení: 33
prečítané 680, Komentáre 4

 

Dva krát
Znovu pozbieral som kyticu, omotali ju pavúčie siete,
položená na obruse, ktorý sa pomaly šmýka zo stola.
Zatiahol som závesy, nechcel som na ňu pustiť svetlo,
chcel som si na chvíľu sadnúť, vynoriť hlavu z večného bôľa.
Zahodil som servítku, na ktorej boli otlačky rúžu,
zahodil som spomienku, čo pálila viac ako uhlík,
do vreca som zamotal všetky slová a falošné pohľady,
zamotal som ich do vreca, pus...
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Penelope Toomey14.2.2010
 

Wetting jacket standing quietly
With an empty body in the background
One million – in one lost moment
Dusty wheeze radio shy rhythms
....
1. One million of what?
2. „dusty wheeze radio shy rhythms“ – this line lacks a verb; hence makes little sense

I hold the steering wheel more powerful
Like the life that I actually lived
I forgot to thy singing, My own „maiden city“
I forgot all...
...
1. „I hold the steering Wheel more powerful“ – you meant „I hold the steering wheel more powerfully“
2. „Like the life that I actually lived“ – you are still alive, hence „Like the life that I have been living/have lived“ („actually“ is redundant there, sounds odd in the context)
3. „I forgot to thy singing, MY own „maiden city“ – „I forgot your singing“ („thy“ is an archaism)

Edge of glass broken, bruised in the teeth
Sprinkle the blood of my looses
I hate irony win
Which brink me here in a silk blanket

...
1. „Edge of glass broken, bruised in the teeth“ - „The edge of glass broken, bruised in the teeth“ – to be honest, I have no clue what that is supposed to mean, how can you or anyone else be bruised in the teeth?
2. „Sprinkle the blood of my looses“ – „sprinkles the blood of my loss“
3. „I hate irony win“ – „ I hate (it) when irony wins/I hate an ironic win/victory“
4. „Which brink me here in a silk blanket“ – „which brings me here in a silk blanket“


I would ask you why the universe?
I begged you to have swallowed me back?
Maybe...
In glowing tunnels, which I could
Wander endlessly
Rather than know what they are feeling

1. „I begged you to have swallowed me back?“ if meant as a question, then „Did I beg you to have swallowed me back?“ or your alternative with no question mark (BTW, I cannot help it but this line sounds very much like a line stolen from song lyrics – just my impression)
2. „Maybe...“ – spoils the text
3. „In glowing tunnels, which I could, wander endlessly“ the way you break the line(s) makes it difficult to follow its meaning, and is considered gramatically incorrect – you misuse commas - „In glowing tunnels which I could wander endlessly“
4. „Rather than know what they are feeling“ – what/who? Tunnels (are feeling something)?
Agony worse than bear´s teeth
I cry into the depths of the forest, take it from me
Look for one years salary
For those years now, to the death I doesn´t open my eyes again.

1. „I cry into the depths of the forests, take it from me“ – take what from you?
2. „look for one years salary“ – „look for one year income“; who should look for such money and why?
3. „For those years now, to the death I doesn´t open my eyes again.“ – „For those years now, to death I don´t open my eyes again.“

Maybe, I don´t even want more...
Maybe, I can´t

1. You don´t want more of what? – again, a significant lack of cohesion

To me, this seems/reads more like your interior monologue than a poem.


Denis Mačor15.2.2010
 

:) kazdopadne dakujem za tvoj drahocenny cas straveny pri okomentovani a podrobnej charakteristike tychto mojich par anglickych textov... ja som si vedomi, ze je tam mnoho chyb, preto sa prednostne venujem radsej slovenskej tvorbe ale nemozem nic ine len podakovat:)

Penelope Toomey3.2.2010
 

Denis, je to na dlhšie - povenujem sa tomu a v dohľadnej dobe sa rozpíšem.

Denis Mačor3.2.2010
 

ak ide o to anglicke, tak urcite ratam s velkou kritikou, pretoze urcite to nebude ani z daleka gramaticky spravne:)
ale nazor ma zaujima:)

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